No Goodbyes

“There are no goodbyes between lovers. It’s just a temporary one, like a short ‘bye’.

Daniel has passed on. He went on December 6th, 1.30am although the nurse came a tad bit late, and pronounced his passing at 2.15am. I was truly broken when he passed, and all these months being here in the United States has brought us closer, mostly mentally closer. I got to see his suffering firsthand, I got to see him writhe in pain in the hospital, I changed my sleeping patterns just to be able to be around him (mainly because I was afraid that he would go while I’m asleep). It’s day 2 and surprisingly I am holding up well, but Bonnie the social worker said that pain and grief comes in waves, so I’m pretty sure there will be one day where something will trigger my grief button, and there I’ll go, crashing down and breaking down.

I am listening to Daniel’s favourite soundtrack from the movie “Interstellar” right now, and it has become one of my favourites too since we watched the beautiful movie together, and the 2nd time with his mom, Pat. I remember Daniel tearing up the 2nd time watching it. We were in the living room, the scene which came on was where Cooper’s daughter was telling him to STAY. Maybe that reminded him of me, constantly telling him to S.T.A.Y. He squeezed my hand, and looked meaningfully at me. I didn’t want to cry because he was so vulnerable at that moment, and with the full effects of beautiful cinematography, blaring loud but beautiful and haunting soundtrack, I was really fighting hard for my tears to stop falling. I can recall the moment clearly right now as this soundtrack is blaring through Daniel’s quality earbuds. I feel so connected to him through this soundtrack. It feels so powerful, so right, so comforting. It almost feels like he’s on the other side listening to this masterpiece too.

I remember writing a short essay on my perspective of death and the conservation of energy. It had something to do with Interstellar and our favourite quotes. He loved it so much that he posted it on his blog: I knew we were meant for each other even though we had vast differences. It came to a point where he told me -“maybe we’re not even compatible, because just look at how different we both are. Yet I don’t understand why are we still together.” Part of it could have been his depression that was talking, part of it could have been the dreadful long distance relationship we were in (mind you, we were 16 hours apart, every single day, and coordinating schedules to Skype wasn’t really successful but we managed anyway with either one of us compromising our sleeping time). Some days were really tough, but our love pulled our relationship together. To answer one of my old blogposts whether opposites stay long together? Yes. Daniel and I are living proof. If it weren’t for the can-fucking-cer, we would have made a brilliant couple who squabbles over petty matters because of our differences but in a tough love sort of way and would still have passionate love making sessions after. Isn’t that what a good, genuine relationship is about? Having differences but still being able to live and love each other?

Cancer is a bitch. If the conspiracy about medical industries hiding the treatment for cancer so that they can make money is true, I’m done here. There are so many materials to read out there, so many different conflicting ideas, and there is no way to find the absolute truth. Our society is so screwed. They always assume things that are popular are most likely to be right, and shy away from new methods that do not have sufficient statistics to have credibility. Honestly, what is credibility nowadays? Statistics? Statistics can be very easily manipulated. Everything can be very easily manipulated nowadays. I do not even know what is genuine anymore at this point, except for love.

I will repeat again:

Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends time and space. – Interstellar, Dr. Brand . Love is genuine, love is powerful, love is the only thing that transcends time. There is no past, present or future in love. Love just exists, it is not bounded to anything. Love cannot be measured because it belongs to a higher dimension, one which human minds cannot yet perceive, or will never perceive. Love has no goodbyes, it has no beginning and no end. Love will only cease to exist if the universe ends. That’s how powerful love is. This undying, fervent love we had is still here, alive and breathing even though Daniel is in a different dimension now. Only love can prove that something existed. Everything good comes from love. Our love is undying, and it will still go on even if I ended up dead one day. When we’re dead, we’re not truly dead. Our energies and our atoms are still present and will always be, since atoms can never be divided. The universe isn’t very likely to end yet, so I am pretty darn sure that our love will last for almost an eternity.

Wait for me at the black horizon baby. I’m coming for you.


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