“Instead of feeling sorrow, I now feel annoyed and frustrated,”she said, because what happened was really unfair.
Day 4. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I am listening to The Dark Knight theme right now as I am typing this. I am supposed to shower, I am supposed do my laundry, I am supposed to finish up the scrapbook.
But I can’t do any of it. My mind is cluttered. I keep hearing myself screaming in my head that this is unfair, that I should not have to do this, that I should not be left alone here trying to figure my way out of things. I should be cuddling on the sofa right now with Daniel watching one of our favourite TV shows, or going out to Rancho for a hike. But he’s not here, he’s not bloody here. His first vlog attempt which I found in his camera memory slot makes me really hot and flustered.
I want you, Daniel. I need you in my life. I can’t stand not having you around. I can’t stand no one nagging me how to do things efficiently. I can’t stand no one scratching my bacne for me. Most of all, I can’t stand not hearing your voice answer my question that just vaporizes into thin air. This fucking batman theme is just fueling my aggravation. I am mad at the universe. I really am. I know I should understand God’s timing in things, but dear God, you’re really testing my patience now. I cannot fathom this.
And to my friend who says that there will be better things that will be coming, let me correct you: I already had the best days of my life, and they were with Daniel. The things which will come on later in my life will just be a diluted version of things, diluted version of feelings and emotions.
Maybe I am too angry right now to think straight, but all I want right now is to drop everything and then get a black cape, a batman mask, train hard, live a double life, and be Bruce Wayne. At least, I know I’m doing some good in the world, and that Daniel really loved Batman, so I’ll be doing it in his honor. I said I would stop swearing, but FUCK. F-U-C-K.
Babe, is this a sign you’re trying to tell me? Are you trying to get me back to work, back to reality? Are you trying to get me fueled up again? Is this an omen? Maybe it is. I will start working out harder than ever before, I promise you.
I wonder when we die do we still have to worry about being fit? Or is everything there perfect? Like are we the best version of ourselves? I really need some divination here. Nevermind, I’m going to shower and use Daniel’s products. So there’s that.