“Whatever I’ve done to ever deserve you, it couldn’t have possibly been enough.”
I stumbled across this depressing comic strip which had the quote I highlighted above. I remember crying because that’s exactly how I feel about Daniel. I feel like I do not deserve his love, or that whatever I have done – wasn’t enough to prove to him that I loved him more than anything. I meditated on that thought and realized that it is a false core belief believing that I am not good enough, or that I haven’t done enough. That isn’t true though.
I realize that these core beliefs are from our Ego all the time. The Ego is constantly conjuring up these thoughts in our heads especially when its survival is being threatened. I’d like to see my Ego writhe into the ground one day, and I think I am going towards that path. More often, I find myself taking care of myself more, practicing self-love through actions or habits that make me at my Essence, whole.
I find that Hans Zimmer’s Time from Inception really helps lift my spirits in a calm way, not in a way where it indulges in exorbitant amounts of feel-good harmonics (which does nothing but inflate our Ego). I’ve noticed that happen whenever I listen to intense soundtracks e/g: Batman/The Dark Knight. I mean they’re really good stuff, but usually when I listen to music similar to that – my thoughts are always Ego based: I’m badass, I’m invincible, I’m cool, I’m powerful etc. which is why I have stopped listening to music which gets really intense.
I get it now why people are always so attracted to music that makes them feel grandiose for their core belief of ‘I am not enough, I am not good enough’ is prevalent in their lives. Now that I have seen past that veil, I feel like I do not need intense music to make me feel good. I am attracted to music with light and simple textures for it creates a chaos free, clutter free mind.
Remember, you and I are enough. Don’t let the Ego fool you.