There are some, who reflect our deepest love onto ourselves in the most subtle ways. It took me forever to pick up on it, but I’m glad I did.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” S often asks, and I would never have an answer. I’d just look at him, and my mind starts to fly (in colors) and I’d say – “I dunno, you’ve asked me this question so many times, and I thought I’ve given you an answer”.
“No, your answers are always so vague and that’s probably why I keep forgetting.”, he’d say while staring at the ceiling and back at me.
We’d look again at the ceiling, and there’s me still thinking about my first shrooms trip, thinking about the breathing ceiling, breathing walls, the intense emotions I started to feel all at once, and the fear that I would always be that intense. But, I guess those realizations gave me insights as to who I really was, is and am. Intense, courageous, an ocean not full of secrets, but full of emotional depth.
I really did not know whom I wanted to be. I guess there was this strong longing for wanting to be an actress since that’s all I’ve ever seen on the telly. Social conditioning. I used to be ashamed of that until I realized that it is a strength, being able to put on a mask and act based on my highest ideals.
I never really gave thought to it, but it dawned on me for the past few days that I might have been doing this whole thing called life – wrong (I mean seeing it from another perspective)!
I have never questioned myself nor thought for myself. I was always thinking for other people (not because of selflessness, but more on the fear that they’d think less of me if I showed my true self.) & doing things to feel that I am worthy of the attention, the interaction. What a self deprecating thought.
So back to “being able to put on a mask and act based on my highest ideals”. It all started when S said – “There are some times where I feel you’re not being your true self, and that exacerbates the restlessness I feel.” It was that type, that type which made your insides churn and being all tied up in a knot.
I did not sleep well. I had to hum “The Swan” in my head like a lullaby until I fell asleep.
But, EUREKA. The moment came. I never knew how to be a young lady. “What would a self loving, respectable, open minded young lady do?” was my first question, which then lead to “Whom do I look up to as a role model? What values would I want to instill in myself?”
It took me 22 years to think for myself out of respect. The searching process and looking inwards ensues. I’m thinking of Brit Marling.
My formula to my own ideals would be THIS: M = (Wit + self-respect + compassion) + (bold + fun + love for culture) + (sensual + loyal). In brackets because chakras. This does not fit the conventional “ambition” answer, but this is what I feel.