Staring at jiggly legs, competitive and still want to be the best at everything heh. Waiting for the timer to go off so I can peel off this rejuvenating mask and then get my face done and go run some errands.

So out of shape, so out of shape.

Combative state much? Survival mode, we’re all constantly in survival mode if what we’re doing does not align with our soul mission.

Finish it anyway, because 9. Endings, completion.

Facade versus Lie

Objectivity in life does not even exist at this point, perspectives are learning points, either painful or good, and the psychological aspects of humans are so fascinating, also at the same time a field where you could get lost in, dark, beautiful, broken, redemption – all in there.

Do you want to wear your psyche on your sleeve? Do you want to wear your heart on your sleeve as well?

It’s at the darkest you accept yourself and propel yourself forward with magnetism. A part of you is afraid that people around you cannot handle your truth, and might run away as a result ,and you’re afraid of never being able to be loved in return because of your intensity

I think I understand M.I.A. Sometimes I’m so envious of her because she has built herself to whom she is today. 40 years in making and she’s here, loud and clear.

Understanding that astrology is pseudo-science, but there’s always that part in me that wants and yearns for something larger to fix this chaotic mess that I have – only because I identify with my mind so much. But why do we?

Balance, physical and mental – Aries boy, you do that so well, how do you do that? You challenge me in various ways, you’re the twin, do you know? It’s the whole package you left with me, my brain and body understands Liebe now in its totality.


Traveling back in time, listening to Casey’s song the first time I ever watched Whiplash which soon became one of my favourite jazz movies – gut wrenching, heart wrenching, brows furrowed, sighing desolately.

I try to un-furrow my brows – disrupted – music goes on a loop again, this time it’s not so heavy, but it still lingers a little. Bittersweet, slow swaying movements.

I am dancing alone. Carpets with Persian patterns stretching across the floors in my non-existent New York apartment. Glass windows so wide, you could jump out of it anytime.

Living life on the edge, on an emotional edge, surviving every moment when strong emotions come to sweep you off. S do you know?

Trying to find solace somewhere else, they say finding it within you is your best bet, but the deeper I dig, the deeper I feel. I see the rose in full bloom, maybe the darkness does not have to kill her.


Deep Love and Sadness

Elevating consciousness and going deep within, so much soul work and releasing and letting go and just having to accept whatever there is.

Deep love and sadness lingering and continuing as a central theme – razor’s edge. Will it ever change? Only with deep love then non attachment happens, and prayer is needed to be able to merge that gap.

How to get mundane sh*t done when you’re looking for depth? But maybe hang up on the phone once you’ve found the answers to continue living, doing “work”. And then continue being your”self” or actually just proceeding to take down all barriers when you’re with someone you deeply love.

ROE, return on equity, OROA operating return on operating assets and systems and things and information systems, guess sitting with the pain and getting some stuff done is the true challenge. Have said this again and again, S listens and understands, – “whatever have I done to deserve you?”, same comic strip, old wounds.

Twin flame forecast said break free. Did not really get to read into it in depth, self conscious about talking about twin flames. The time will come eventually. 26 – passing of small things.

They’ve Got To End

Them fantasies got to end, young one.

You’ve manifested all that you can and might, and right now you have them standing right before you, what is it that is stopping you from going forward?

Are you going to be like the valiant mice and move forward? Are you going to be courageous like King Caspian to let go of the loved one in order to be of service to his own kingdom? Are you going to be like Lucy, Edmund and Eustace to go back to reality and finally accept reality? Most importantly, are you going to find Aslan and recognize him in his different form in this world?

There are certainly no coincidences. This final installation of Narnia is me saying goodbye to my inner world of fantasy, and coming back to reality, but remembering that if I always ask for help, I will find help in the most unlikely ways ever.

The OA

You, you come back to me in different ways. Subtle ways that I could have never even imagined.

It’s true, you’re always going to be a part of me, one that no matter how hard I try to erase because of the hurt, will always stay with me.

Looking at it from a different set of eyes, it’s a gift, but that comes with a cost. It is a fair trade, I guess.

I remember you used to listen to the sound of Saturn, and today The OA has piqued my interest, and I am listening to it with noise cancelling headphones like you always do.

If it really is where the soul travels to after death, it is no wonder, no surprise as to why I am in such peace.

Cheri, Where Art Thou

Have you ever disappeared from the surface of earth only to reappear again and finding out that you’ve lost out on so many things in life?

That’s exactly how I feel about life right now, I’ve been cocooned in my cage for so long, not knowing exactly how to let go, and suffer the consequences – but then again, nature always has its way of balancing things.

So now, I’m going through that process where I have to bring balance to all of my actions because I’ve used up my good karma and accumulated more Taurus karma with the last experience I had (at least that’s what I believe in).

And now, I feel that I am getting back to my old self, the real me – the cheerful, optimistic me who always will find a way through life with things. The nostalgia keeps flooding back in. Suddenly, I find myself thinking of this friendĀ I used to have 3 years ago, or even 4 years ago. She reminded me about so many good things about my childhood – I feel that somehow she is a part of my soul family.

Narnia, Ben Barnes, a love for gothic romance or anything gothic, classical music, dark but not brooding – channeling that North Nodian Scorpio energy again! I never forgot her first name. It took me quite awhile to remember her alias online, but alas! She wasn’t found again.

Or it could be my memory acting up.

If thou knowest about thee, please bestow me-th the wisdom (okay this Shakespeare conundrum is going nowhere, just give up) to find her.

Cheri, if you see this, it’d be golly well to hear from you.