You Know Well

Different spectra, perspectives, and you know very well why are you doing this.

Can’t tell you, won’t tell you, for you might run, because you’re not ready to hear it nor are you ready to accept that there’s someone out there who can love you with all that she has.

“I’m doing it out of love and I’m doing it for you.”

But if I’m going to be sane, I’ll see the other side of the coin which is I can use this for my future advantage.

Heavy

Manchuria – Pt. 1

She was stuck in a rut due to her over-seemingly unhealthy obsession with tinted lip balms. It was overshadowing every single brain cell of hers.

Without second thought, she wrapped her Nepali scarf around her neck, grabbed her wallet, phone and keys, then swiftly stepped out into the cold winter night, fantasizing about the purchase she was about to make as she made her way to the nearby shop.

Unfortunately, as fate would decide, the shop was not open. She grunted in dismay, furious, fuming, and eventually decided to just walk away. Plop plop plop – sounds of her footsteps in the dark, eyes wildly searching for a substitute. And there it was: she stumbled across a Manchurian restaurant – simple but inviting.

She trampled in with strong but swift footsteps, looked at the Indian lady at the counter – slightly shorter than she is, dusky rose skin, friendly and sincere eyes, high pitched voice.

Still squinting scantily across the menu, she ordered for the vegetarian biryani but eventually changed her mind. She ordered egg fried rice instead.

Definitum – her senses did the trick. On the way to fix her lip balm obsession, a whiff of Chinese wok fryings reminded her of her colorful, bustling, city life – somewhere in distant Kuala Lumpur where Chinatown was bursting with affordable and tasty street food.

And then another flashback. Rewinding to what happened a few minutes just before she changed her order —

A little unsure whether she should get something extra, she squinted her eyes trying to read the menu on the headboard.

“Don’t worry maam, I can help you read if you can’t!”, the Indian lady chirped as she inched closer to her, trying to be helpful.

She was then reminded of her mother, who would do the same thing, squinting her eyes and waving her hands in the air, saying “Sorry I can’t see!” and people would always offer their assistance.

Her sister – another story, but often her partner in crime, was more patient than her in many ways, but sometimes they’d shake their heads in unison, signalling that their mother’s actions were not at all necessary.

She understood her mother’s ways now, and the magnetism of being true to your own plight. It never was a rut to be in. Only when you accept your plight, that’s how one stops being in a rut.

Understanding events in a non-linear way was something that she often thought was crazy and illogical, but now it all made sense.—

Staring at the table in front of her, observing the tropical colors used for the painting. There’s always something with gold-linings in oriental paintings instead of silver ones.

“Should we start saying there’s a gold-lining in every situation instead of silver-lining?” She often got carried away with the origin of phrases or words but her thoughts were interrupted when food was ready for takeaway.

Amerikaans

Running late, staring at the phone trying hard not to laugh at my mistakes, besetzt, C thinks I need a mirror in my room but only I know why not.

Mirrors, unnecessary narcissism, good to not be able to see my face, let other things mirror me to learn necessaries.

Sarah, visited her and the Americans, but Amerikaans – fusion of America and Afrikaans for balance. Weird people they are, I thought I was, but this is Alabama. Florida I can handle that, beach people.

The constant need for approval, illicit, explicit. Alright coming back to cold hands and cold feet, sweaty pits and sweaty palms, need a little Joao Gilberto.

Stoicsm makes me slightly tired,

,

 

Emotional Catharsis

“Pearly shells, down the ocean, shining in the sun, covering the shore..”

To my mom whom I’ve always misunderstood – I understand you now and the generational pain that women have always carried, and I wish you weren’t so emotionally repressed and having it coming out in different ways.

I was on the bus on the way home after my mom and sister left, and this sudden wave came on like a thief, a brief memory of my mom singing this particular song and the next thing you know, I was secretly tearing at the back of the bus.

I always felt disconnected because I always thinking about how things should be with parents, let alone let movies taint my perception of how things should be, and not loving and accepting my loved ones for who they are. Seeing that they do accept me in their ways, but sometimes still imposing some things they think are the best for me – and I will no longer fight that.

I know. I feel lonely as heck most of the time ever since this thinking brain got back online after a long rest from shrooms, but it was necessary to let the pain come in so that I can purge.

Today, I can say I feel human again.

Taking Yourself for Granted

have you ever asked yourself this question? not taking others for granted, but yourself. what is aligned with your highest purpose but you keep putting it at bay for fear of rejection from other people or the fear of success and being in the limelight and being scrutinized for every move?

yeah, think about it. i was in so much pain while at work yesterday, trying to find my purpose and finally boiling down to the question – have i been taking megan for granted? at first i started blaming everyone around me, and it came back to me, did i ever allow megan to shine through?

that’s why the universe constantly sends these lessons to us for us to come full circle to realize our own self worth, and see what else needs tweaking. don’t get me wrong, this does not mean changing everything in a sec, but energetically feeling that scenario, whether it vibrates or resonates with you, how much pain can you tolerate, how much practicality you can tolerate in order to reach the next phase in your life, etc.

 

1010, earlier.

Feeling

Do you know why you go into deep bouts of depression? Yeah, you. All of us, or maybe some of us who try to ponder life’s meaning too much. Elitism. That’s what makes you depressed, no one ever asked you to find out the meaning of life and beyond, but because you think you’re so brilliant (the Ego), you start to question question and question. You get into songwriting, drawing, acting to act your deepest emotions because you cannot express it without feeling contrived, because people have seen you and that mask you’ve worn for a 1000 years, unchanged. To change creates fear, and that makes your heart pound. But there’s a part in you, that asks – what if I actually ran for it this time and stop making myself wait, rather than coming back a 1000 million, trillion, gazillion times to finally learn this, and step out of your comfort zone?

Ya. Olafur Arnalds is deep, not me. I am just a channel to channel thoughts. Beautiful.

Effort.