Discipline

Staring at jiggly legs, competitive and still want to be the best at everything heh. Waiting for the timer to go off so I can peel off this rejuvenating mask and then get my face done and go run some errands.

So out of shape, so out of shape.

Combative state much? Survival mode, we’re all constantly in survival mode if what we’re doing does not align with our soul mission.

Finish it anyway, because 9. Endings, completion.

Facade versus Lie

Objectivity in life does not even exist at this point, perspectives are learning points, either painful or good, and the psychological aspects of humans are so fascinating, also at the same time a field where you could get lost in, dark, beautiful, broken, redemption – all in there.

Do you want to wear your psyche on your sleeve? Do you want to wear your heart on your sleeve as well?

It’s at the darkest you accept yourself and propel yourself forward with magnetism. A part of you is afraid that people around you cannot handle your truth, and might run away as a result ,and you’re afraid of never being able to be loved in return because of your intensity

I think I understand M.I.A. Sometimes I’m so envious of her because she has built herself to whom she is today. 40 years in making and she’s here, loud and clear.

Understanding that astrology is pseudo-science, but there’s always that part in me that wants and yearns for something larger to fix this chaotic mess that I have – only because I identify with my mind so much. But why do we?

Balance, physical and mental – Aries boy, you do that so well, how do you do that? You challenge me in various ways, you’re the twin, do you know? It’s the whole package you left with me, my brain and body understands Liebe now in its totality.

Projections

Projections in where you see the darker side of humanity, but knowing that’s a gift as well because depth will be given, in totality.

Projections in where you see the lighter side of humanity, but that’s a gift to give somebody their full light, in totality.

I have accepted the energy exchange happens during coitus and we give our better energies to our other half to wake them up, vice versa.

Love and acceptance, so hard, when you come from conditional programming which you have created for yourself.

Whiplash

Traveling back in time, listening to Casey’s song the first time I ever watched Whiplash which soon became one of my favourite jazz movies – gut wrenching, heart wrenching, brows furrowed, sighing desolately.

I try to un-furrow my brows – disrupted – music goes on a loop again, this time it’s not so heavy, but it still lingers a little. Bittersweet, slow swaying movements.

I am dancing alone. Carpets with Persian patterns stretching across the floors in my non-existent New York apartment. Glass windows so wide, you could jump out of it anytime.

Living life on the edge, on an emotional edge, surviving every moment when strong emotions come to sweep you off. S do you know?

Trying to find solace somewhere else, they say finding it within you is your best bet, but the deeper I dig, the deeper I feel. I see the rose in full bloom, maybe the darkness does not have to kill her.

 

Amerikaans

Running late, staring at the phone trying hard not to laugh at my mistakes, besetzt, C thinks I need a mirror in my room but only I know why not.

Mirrors, unnecessary narcissism, good to not be able to see my face, let other things mirror me to learn necessaries.

Sarah, visited her and the Americans, but Amerikaans – fusion of America and Afrikaans for balance. Weird people they are, I thought I was, but this is Alabama. Florida I can handle that, beach people.

The constant need for approval, illicit, explicit. Alright coming back to cold hands and cold feet, sweaty pits and sweaty palms, need a little Joao Gilberto.

Stoicsm makes me slightly tired,

,

 

Unconscious to Subconscious Awareness

The unconscious feeling of becoming you and the rest in this life, feelings of inadequacy still come up from time to time, but self-love works. I see the facade through which I was operating on another level at that time, wait, no. It wasn’t. It was just easier because positive mantra chanting meditation was easier, I wasn’t this intense, but stepping into North Node Scorpio is already here, 7th node in the astrology home, moon node, losing focus.

Eating chickpeas at this moment, staring at its texture, so much orange and yellow, warm colors on that spectrum, spices on that spectrum, giving warmth to cold Capricorn. Icy queen to passionate, 60s film Bajka experiment film still giving me a vibe of me in the future. Wishing I was 36 now, living 36/9. I’m at 22, master builder, keep going.

Hey 12. Aries.

Aries boy, you challenge me to be the best version of myself. Staying present, love you a lot. Got your Bonobo, reminded me of all the things that I’m going to accomplish in this life. Old friends, reminding me of midheaven Capricorn. Capricorn being really misunderstood, it’s necessary.

God help me.