Omega 3

I know, there’s something always about health that we’re all ravin’ about and today I’m going to rave about Omega 3. I’ve been really foggy headed for the past few weeks after running out of Omega 3s and mind you, I just take one capsule a day because some days I feel it’s too much?

Until yesterday, it hit me that my brain fog has been because of a lack of nutrients – in which when you’re a college student who’s trying to save bills for yourself and to lighten your financial load, yeah you do that. So I popped by at Chemist Warehouse to get a big tube/bottle/(container) of it, pop the pills as how I would usually do – but this time I upped my game – actually following the given prescription, 1 every meal every day.

So far I have 3 popped, and honestly I really feel the effects kicking in. Man, why does it always have to be at the last, final leg then only I learn things about myself? Pisces, seriously though can’t you just channel your Aries? (Which is what I’m doing at the moment with Bonobo – yeah he’s Aries alright)

Needa to get my life around together boy. Sardines I’m coming for you, (I used to love them big time as a child, and I stopped getting them because I couldn’t get a good deal at bloody coles all the time).

Well final leg on Saturday, and 2 Saturdays after this, boyfriend will be going away for a conference while I look for a job to fulfill my PR project. C’mon now. Ending my 1st cycle. I know my 2nd cycle – work life will end, 3rd cycle – settle down and get married and kids.

Ha, I sound like i’m so sure of my life, but we will see how well can I keep my ground. Hey S, love you, hope you’re good, My sun and stars.

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On High Functioning Anxiety

Maybe everyone has a degree of high functioning anxiety in them, I noticed that I do this everytime when I have a fairly high degree of stress which then translates into anxiety. Coupled with music it becomes high functioning anxiety.

I never understood social anxiety either but now I feel it, it must’ve been something my brain tried to understand how I tried to cope all those years all thanks to the all seeing eye/portal of shrooms.

DMT later, and I am actually a little terrified, but I should not even think about it right now. I am currently finishing up this allowable cheat sheet and I can feel my hands becoming colder. I think I really love unnecessary adrenaline and that makes me high functioning.

Or “high” functioning (wink wink 😉

Manchuria – Pt. 1

She was stuck in a rut due to her over-seemingly unhealthy obsession with tinted lip balms. It was overshadowing every single brain cell of hers.

Without second thought, she wrapped her Nepali scarf around her neck, grabbed her wallet, phone and keys, then swiftly stepped out into the cold winter night, fantasizing about the purchase she was about to make as she made her way to the nearby shop.

Unfortunately, as fate would decide, the shop was not open. She grunted in dismay, furious, fuming, and eventually decided to just walk away. Plop plop plop – sounds of her footsteps in the dark, eyes wildly searching for a substitute. And there it was: she stumbled across a Manchurian restaurant – simple but inviting.

She trampled in with strong but swift footsteps, looked at the Indian lady at the counter – slightly shorter than she is, dusky rose skin, friendly and sincere eyes, high pitched voice.

Still squinting scantily across the menu, she ordered for the vegetarian biryani but eventually changed her mind. She ordered egg fried rice instead.

Definitum – her senses did the trick. On the way to fix her lip balm obsession, a whiff of Chinese wok fryings reminded her of her colorful, bustling, city life – somewhere in distant Kuala Lumpur where Chinatown was bursting with affordable and tasty street food.

And then another flashback. Rewinding to what happened a few minutes just before she changed her order —

A little unsure whether she should get something extra, she squinted her eyes trying to read the menu on the headboard.

“Don’t worry maam, I can help you read if you can’t!”, the Indian lady chirped as she inched closer to her, trying to be helpful.

She was then reminded of her mother, who would do the same thing, squinting her eyes and waving her hands in the air, saying “Sorry I can’t see!” and people would always offer their assistance.

Her sister – another story, but often her partner in crime, was more patient than her in many ways, but sometimes they’d shake their heads in unison, signalling that their mother’s actions were not at all necessary.

She understood her mother’s ways now, and the magnetism of being true to your own plight. It never was a rut to be in. Only when you accept your plight, that’s how one stops being in a rut.

Understanding events in a non-linear way was something that she often thought was crazy and illogical, but now it all made sense.—

Staring at the table in front of her, observing the tropical colors used for the painting. There’s always something with gold-linings in oriental paintings instead of silver ones.

“Should we start saying there’s a gold-lining in every situation instead of silver-lining?” She often got carried away with the origin of phrases or words but her thoughts were interrupted when food was ready for takeaway.

Emotional Catharsis

“Pearly shells, down the ocean, shining in the sun, covering the shore..”

To my mom whom I’ve always misunderstood – I understand you now and the generational pain that women have always carried, and I wish you weren’t so emotionally repressed and having it coming out in different ways.

I was on the bus on the way home after my mom and sister left, and this sudden wave came on like a thief, a brief memory of my mom singing this particular song and the next thing you know, I was secretly tearing at the back of the bus.

I always felt disconnected because I always thinking about how things should be with parents, let alone let movies taint my perception of how things should be, and not loving and accepting my loved ones for who they are. Seeing that they do accept me in their ways, but sometimes still imposing some things they think are the best for me – and I will no longer fight that.

I know. I feel lonely as heck most of the time ever since this thinking brain got back online after a long rest from shrooms, but it was necessary to let the pain come in so that I can purge.

Today, I can say I feel human again.

Feeling

Do you know why you go into deep bouts of depression? Yeah, you. All of us, or maybe some of us who try to ponder life’s meaning too much. Elitism. That’s what makes you depressed, no one ever asked you to find out the meaning of life and beyond, but because you think you’re so brilliant (the Ego), you start to question question and question. You get into songwriting, drawing, acting to act your deepest emotions because you cannot express it without feeling contrived, because people have seen you and that mask you’ve worn for a 1000 years, unchanged. To change creates fear, and that makes your heart pound. But there’s a part in you, that asks – what if I actually ran for it this time and stop making myself wait, rather than coming back a 1000 million, trillion, gazillion times to finally learn this, and step out of your comfort zone?

Ya. Olafur Arnalds is deep, not me. I am just a channel to channel thoughts. Beautiful.

Effort.

Deep Love and Sadness

Elevating consciousness and going deep within, so much soul work and releasing and letting go and just having to accept whatever there is.

Deep love and sadness lingering and continuing as a central theme – razor’s edge. Will it ever change? Only with deep love then non attachment happens, and prayer is needed to be able to merge that gap.

How to get mundane sh*t done when you’re looking for depth? But maybe hang up on the phone once you’ve found the answers to continue living, doing “work”. And then continue being your”self” or actually just proceeding to take down all barriers when you’re with someone you deeply love.

ROE, return on equity, OROA operating return on operating assets and systems and things and information systems, guess sitting with the pain and getting some stuff done is the true challenge. Have said this again and again, S listens and understands, – “whatever have I done to deserve you?”, same comic strip, old wounds.

Twin flame forecast said break free. Did not really get to read into it in depth, self conscious about talking about twin flames. The time will come eventually. 26 – passing of small things.

Wow

Have you ever read some older posts you wrote and your thoughts are hinging between “holy shit this is awesome” or “wow that was a bunch of horse shit disguised in fancy writing”.

Music really affects the brain, I haven’t been listening to jazz a lot lately, did I become stupid as a result? Not really, but not with too much enthusiasm in life I guess. I’ve been listening to a lot of I don’t know what genre would that fit in the realm of altering consciousness. I just know I soak up a lot of those energies and they often would get reflected in the way I do things, say things, just anything.

Jazz is supposed to give you a ‘jizz’ of spirit flowing through you and everything sort of just becoming from a part of the subconscious. Jazz is supposed to be about the future, that’s what Seb said. La La Land killed me, I cried more than I should because it really reminded me of my own selfish ways and that I could possibly lose you if I get so caught up with my dreams.

I’m not going to make the same mistake, come back soon, I miss you a lot. x