Amerikaans

Running late, staring at the phone trying hard not to laugh at my mistakes, besetzt, C thinks I need a mirror in my room but only I know why not.

Mirrors, unnecessary narcissism, good to not be able to see my face, let other things mirror me to learn necessaries.

Sarah, visited her and the Americans, but Amerikaans – fusion of America and Afrikaans for balance. Weird people they are, I thought I was, but this is Alabama. Florida I can handle that, beach people.

The constant need for approval, illicit, explicit. Alright coming back to cold hands and cold feet, sweaty pits and sweaty palms, need a little Joao Gilberto.

Stoicsm makes me slightly tired,

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Emotional Catharsis

“Pearly shells, down the ocean, shining in the sun, covering the shore..”

To my mom whom I’ve always misunderstood – I understand you now and the generational pain that women have always carried, and I wish you weren’t so emotionally repressed and having it coming out in different ways.

I was on the bus on the way home after my mom and sister left, and this sudden wave came on like a thief, a brief memory of my mom singing this particular song and the next thing you know, I was secretly tearing at the back of the bus.

I always felt disconnected because I always thinking about how things should be with parents, let alone let movies taint my perception of how things should be, and not loving and accepting my loved ones for who they are. Seeing that they do accept me in their ways, but sometimes still imposing some things they think are the best for me – and I will no longer fight that.

I know. I feel lonely as heck most of the time ever since this thinking brain got back online after a long rest from shrooms, but it was necessary to let the pain come in so that I can purge.

Today, I can say I feel human again.

Feeling

Do you know why you go into deep bouts of depression? Yeah, you. All of us, or maybe some of us who try to ponder life’s meaning too much. Elitism. That’s what makes you depressed, no one ever asked you to find out the meaning of life and beyond, but because you think you’re so brilliant (the Ego), you start to question question and question. You get into songwriting, drawing, acting to act your deepest emotions because you cannot express it without feeling contrived, because people have seen you and that mask you’ve worn for a 1000 years, unchanged. To change creates fear, and that makes your heart pound. But there’s a part in you, that asks – what if I actually ran for it this time and stop making myself wait, rather than coming back a 1000 million, trillion, gazillion times to finally learn this, and step out of your comfort zone?

Ya. Olafur Arnalds is deep, not me. I am just a channel to channel thoughts. Beautiful.

Effort.

Middle Way

Walking the middle way while listening to this Time masterpiece makes me extremely grateful for all the extremities in my life.

There is no way in hell I will be a goddamn tax analyst. No, just no. Knowing other people’s lives and applying cold callous facts to it just to tax you really does not ignite any passion in me. I don’t like this approach to my career for my entire life.

I’m starting to feel that there is no career for me in this life, and I might just be fine with that.

Goals

“Setting a goal often needs you to be in touch with your soul, it’s not as mundane as they make it seem.”


I used to think that goals were useless crap until I could understand it from a different perspective. Hmm. I like having a direction in life, but only for the bigger picture, I’m not really that good with details because once I get into them I could go on forever (yes I am OCD like that).

Goals does not equate to having money though. Screw your bs about your #goals, woo I’m judging again. Okay, shut up. Or maybe I should just let it flow. It’s impossible to observe your own experience of the moment, again Joko said that there’s no such thing because once you observe the experience, you’re not One with it – so a lot of things are of falsehood. God, this book is really getting to me. I hope I make it till the end of the book.

This book is giving me a lot of nihilist ideas, wait what’s nihilist again? *googles* Oh. Somebody who completely rejects the idea of religion and believe that life has no meaning – I’m not yet at that stage. I think I won’t ever reach that stage (even though I’ll have to admit that sometimes I hit that milestone, and then I propel back to finding my purpose again).

Impersonal – something that I’m bad at, we’re all bad at. We like taking things personally, because it feels better if it’s a “good” situation, but we forget that comes at a price that we all have to pay. Hollywood movies are ego boosters, and I love it when I’m down in the dumps. But when I’m trying to be in that no-self state, I completely reject all ego boosting crap – I’m a human of extremes, horrible.

On Chasing

“Chasing, we’re forever chasing for something that we think that’s out of our grasp, but actually it’s not, we need to start feeling adequate.”


I’m writing on chasing, because I’ve been chasing my dream jobs my entire adulthood (okay fine, I make it sound as if I’m in my 30s but I’m still young and raw 21, turning 22 really). I want to be a music teacher because I’m passionate in both, and when you come across the perfect job, you can’t help but feel anxious – it’s just like chasing somebody you’ve had a crush on when you were in high school, except that this time – it’s job applications (that’s also how you know you’ve hit a plateau, referring to job searches as soulmate searches).

But let’s admit it, who wouldn’t want to work in an environment where it reminds them of nothing but passion, love and joy? It’s pretty much equal to finding a soulmate for life, because once you marry your job, you’re gonna become a part of it, heck not even a part, you’d just become It. Integrating with your job, and sooner or later you’ll start dressing like the part etc etc etc.

Anything that requires your commitment, anything that you want to commit to – let’s admit it, we’ll have to chase it because we think we’re not good enough. Some people say that let the right thing come to you, but if you’re not going to be proactive about whatever you do, how are you going to have the best in life? I’m definitely not a waiter, I hate waiting around, my entire life I spend 99.99999999999999% of it waiting for something to happen until I get angry at myself for wasting precious time where I could’ve tried something better, or devise a better plan every now and then.

Anyways, I really want this music teacher job. I’d be happy surrounding myself with music and young children because their energy is just so pure and bubbly. Mind you-they’re pretty insightful and spiritual in their own way too, so that would be good.

Reverse

“Looking back at your past is like going on a reverse, it’s never wrong, it’s just a different direction.”


Moving reverse right now – listening to some of Daniel’s favourite songs. Everytime I listen to them, I feel different. Some days I feel indifferent, some days I feel a little bit of something, some days, I don’t know.

If this is my way of grieving, I certainly do not understand. Or maybe I’m not even grieving anymore, or I just have my emotions suppressed deeply and not being able to experience to them, or I rationalize my feelings so well that it just seems like logic.

Going back in reverse, looking back at the past, wishing somethings turned out differently – that’s something I stopped obsessing about. But there’s a different obsession I have – I keep wishing that I knew what I knew right now back then – again that’s the same with wanting to change the past (cloaked differently).

Shit, I always get distracted once I switch songs, it’s like switching moods right away. Kodaline is too upbeat for me to review my past. Alright