Some Form of Brain Damage

Seriously, brain. damage.

I cannot comprehend as to why these matters have to be scrutinized and scrutinized and scrutinized. I guess that’s where we all choose to put our brain capacities in, and these readings really do trigger some sort of defensive mechanism in me. Probably because I know deep down inside that trait exists, just repressed.

Can’t deal with the amount of thinking that has been involved, or the lack of sleep thereof. I did sleep though. Ok, stop complaining and do something else.

Bye

Feeling

Do you know why you go into deep bouts of depression? Yeah, you. All of us, or maybe some of us who try to ponder life’s meaning too much. Elitism. That’s what makes you depressed, no one ever asked you to find out the meaning of life and beyond, but because you think you’re so brilliant (the Ego), you start to question question and question. You get into songwriting, drawing, acting to act your deepest emotions because you cannot express it without feeling contrived, because people have seen you and that mask you’ve worn for a 1000 years, unchanged. To change creates fear, and that makes your heart pound. But there’s a part in you, that asks – what if I actually ran for it this time and stop making myself wait, rather than coming back a 1000 million, trillion, gazillion times to finally learn this, and step out of your comfort zone?

Ya. Olafur Arnalds is deep, not me. I am just a channel to channel thoughts. Beautiful.

Effort.

Seduction

Understanding and accepting part of who I am and part of what has been repressed.

I need to draw.

Never suppress the throat chakra.

Absolutely ridiculous, mind. Bloody hell, that’s some good singing, where did mine go? Screw this entire al;kjfsdjkadls;fkfadjl;k;jdafskj;fdsakdf;saj corporate bull for now, wow i feel so challenged

Ending the Generational Wound

Understanding, and going through so many layers of the subconscious and finally coming to realize that a lot of this, factoral patterning or whatever it is called – if you have enough respect for yourself, you will respect all the generations that have come before you and what lessons can you learn from them. The wound should not bring you down, but rather build you. It is going to be your hamartia but will you let other people step all over it? Or choose to only let a few people in?

Understanding from multiple points of view is absolutely important in helping you understand whatever you do right now is only for yourself, and in a way – the harsher lessons of life were meant to prepare you for something that required you to step out of the comfort zone. In which in this case, I strongly agree. A lot of tough love, so should you take the advice and toil on with your hard work, or be submerged with all these distractions that take you away from the real purpose, all whatever your ancestors had brought before you – to nothing, to ashes?

A renewed sense of self respect is different from feeling good about yourself. You can runaway from all the myriad of thoughts that disturb you or stay grounded and accept the parts that have become you, learn how to use your charms as advantages but not to overpower people, but to show them how things can be done.

Power comes at a cost. Tread lightly.

There Are Some.

There are some, who reflect our deepest love onto ourselves in the most subtle ways. It took me forever to pick up on it, but I’m glad I did.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” S often asks, and I would never have an answer. I’d just look at him, and my mind starts to fly (in colors) and I’d say – “I dunno, you’ve asked me this question so many times, and I thought I’ve given you an answer”.

“No, your answers are always so vague and that’s probably why I keep forgetting.”, he’d say while staring at the ceiling and back at me.

We’d look again at the ceiling, and there’s me still thinking about my first shrooms trip, thinking about the breathing ceiling, breathing walls, the intense emotions I started to feel all at once, and the fear that I would always be that intense. But, I guess those realizations gave me insights as to who I really was, is and am. Intense, courageous, an ocean not full of secrets, but full of emotional depth.

I really did not know whom I wanted to be. I guess there was this strong longing for wanting to be an actress since that’s all I’ve ever seen on the telly. Social conditioning. I used to be ashamed of that until I realized that it is a strength, being able to put on a mask and act based on my highest ideals.

I never really gave thought to it, but it dawned on me for the past few days that I might have been doing this whole thing called life – wrong (I mean seeing it from another perspective)!

I have never questioned myself nor thought for myself. I was always thinking for other people (not because of selflessness, but more on the fear that they’d think less of me if I showed my true self.) & doing things to feel that I am worthy of the attention, the interaction. What a self deprecating thought.

So back to “being able to put on a mask and act based on my highest ideals”. It all started when S said – “There are some times where I feel you’re not being your true self, and that exacerbates the restlessness I feel.” It was that type, that type which made your insides churn and being all tied up in a knot.

I did not sleep well. I had to hum “The Swan” in my head like a lullaby until I fell asleep.

But, EUREKA. The moment came. I never knew how to be a young lady. “What would a self loving, respectable, open minded young lady do?” was my first question, which then lead to “Whom do I look up to as a role model? What values would I want to instill in myself?”

It took me 22 years to think for myself out of respect. The searching process and looking inwards ensues. I’m thinking of Brit Marling.

My formula to my own ideals would be THIS: M = (Wit + self-respect + compassion) + (bold + fun + love for culture) + (sensual + loyal). In brackets because chakras. This does not fit the conventional “ambition” answer, but this is what I feel.

Fundamental.

 

 

Free

Divorced, free woman, having the free will to be a girl or a woman any time.

You’d think those are stains, but they’re not. They’re just a layer of dirt, in which if you choose to correct right away, will not leave a scar or stain. Mental health alert guys.

Free to love. Free. I have not heard that loud and clearly enough in my head for such a long time. Slowly, go slow. Have fun.

Now, don’t jump the line, young lady. Traditional settings will ground you 😉