Whiplash

Traveling back in time, listening to Casey’s song the first time I ever watched Whiplash which soon became one of my favourite jazz movies – gut wrenching, heart wrenching, brows furrowed, sighing desolately.

I try to un-furrow my brows – disrupted – music goes on a loop again, this time it’s not so heavy, but it still lingers a little. Bittersweet, slow swaying movements.

I am dancing alone. Carpets with Persian patterns stretching across the floors in my non-existent New York apartment. Glass windows so wide, you could jump out of it anytime.

Living life on the edge, on an emotional edge, surviving every moment when strong emotions come to sweep you off. S do you know?

Trying to find solace somewhere else, they say finding it within you is your best bet, but the deeper I dig, the deeper I feel. I see the rose in full bloom, maybe the darkness does not have to kill her.

 

Chagrin

“One’s sorrow will never be understood by anyone but themselves.”


Amor said this:

a little old…

But I’m still right here

If there were no rewards to reap
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I’ve chosen here
I certainly would’ve walked away by now

And I still may

Have you ever loved someone so much that you’re willing to do anything for them? Have you ever had someone love you so much that they’re willing to do anything for you? I have experienced both, and it’s beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. When you love someone so much, you would never want to let go even though things are hard and hurting because this person has become your everything. You survive because of love, you survive because of all the good memories, you cling onto the notion that true love still awaits.

Sometimes dissonance is inevitable. Dissonance can pull people apart. It’s capable of pulling two lovers apart when communication cripples. However, I always believed that as long as love still exists, nothing is impossible for lovers to get through together.

Daniel, I wanted you to know that the bottom line is that I love you. Do not take it lightly. I may say my i love yous a lot, but it does not lessen the true meaning of each and every i love yous I’ve said to you. My demons are out to get me and it is ugly. If there’s one thing I can promise you, it would be me never giving up on our relationship. We’ve built something so beautiful, so bright, so powerful, and I do not want it to end.

I hope you understand that I am undergoing a big change and I just want to hear those reassuring words that you can still love me at my worst. I know, I am a dreamer. Sometimes I almost think that there are really devils out there to get us, to sway our relationship, to rock it back and forth.

Daniel, I’m still the old person you loved. I’ve never changed. If ever you wondered how I feel for you, it was always this:

“Please Forgive Me” – Bryan Adams

Still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss, it’s getting better, baby
No one can better this…
Still holding on, you’re still the one.
First time our eyes met, same feeling I get
Only feels much stronger, wanna love you longer
You still turn the fire on…

So if you’re feeling lonely—don’t
You’re the only one I ever want.
I only wanna make it good
So if I love you a little more than I should…

Please forgive me
I know not what I do.
Please forgive me
I can’t stop loving you
Don’t deny me.
This pain I’m going through
Please forgive me if I need you like I do.
Please believe me.
Every word I say is true...
Please forgive me
I can’t stop loving you

Still feels like our best times are together.
Feels like the first touch, still getting closer, baby
Can’t get close enough.
Still holding on, you’re still number one.
I remember the smell of your skin,
I remember everything,
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights, you know I still do.

So if you’re feeling lonely—don’t
You’re the only one I ever want.
I only wanna make it good
So if I love you a little more than I should…

Please forgive me
I know not what I do.
Please forgive me
I can’t stop loving you
Don’t deny me
This pain I’m going through.
Please forgive me if I need you like I do
Oh, believe me.
Every word I say is true.
Please forgive me
I can’t stop loving you.

One thing I’m sure of is the way we make love.
And one thing I depend on is for us to stay strong.
With every word and every breath I’m praying
That’s why I’m saying…

Please forgive me
I know not what I do.
Please forgive me
I can’t stop loving you.
Don’t deny me.
This pain I’m going through.
Please forgive me if I need you like I do.
Babe, believe me.
Every word I say is true.
Please forgive me if I can’t stop loving you.
Never leave me
I don’t know what I’d do.
Please forgive me
I can’t stop loving you,
Can’t stop loving you.

Memoire

“It’s a curse and a blessing to remember memories vividly because once they stick with you, they stick with you forever and there’s no way you can ever erase it from your head.”


I’ve always told Daniel that I have an incredible memory of remembering tiny details from something that struck me as beautiful or important. As we are apart now, I can recall the his scent, I can recall the way my body molds into his when we cuddle, I can recall the warmth of his body against my skin (he hates my warmth because I radiate way too much heat and he says I’m only good to cuddle with during winter), I can recall how he looks like while he’s sleeping, I can recall almost every single detail he does and it makes me miss him even more. I miss him picking my bacne too, to be honest.

I have a selective memory. I choose to remember things which are beautiful and heartwarming. Till this day, I will never forget the first time I fell into Daniel’s arms, feeling his warm embrace and being engulfed in his scent, I’ve never felt so at peace before. I will also always remember the train ride from the airport. I sat beside Daniel in silence, but I felt calm and serene. I stared at him hard, for the longest time ever until he said, “Boy, you sure stare at me a lot.” I nod my head and smiled. It was my first time in 9 months to see his face up close and I enjoyed it immensely. He said I tried to touch him and I did it awkwardly and that’s when he knew I was truly in love with him.

At that moment I knew I wanted to be with this man forever. I studied his crooked nose, his sparse lashes and beautiful brown eyes. I liked his stubble and his lips looked soft and kissable. I never had my first kiss until I met him. I would say it was worth the wait. After staring at him for the longest time, I mouthed “I love you” to him and felt a gush of emotions running through my veins. It was overwhelming and beautiful that it hurt. Ever experienced something so immense and beautiful that you can’t handle it? That was my first time feeling that way and I could feel tears of joy coming on my way, so I rested my head on his shoulder.

I do not want these memories to fade. It can be a curse to remember things so vividly because on the off chance things do not workout with Daniel and I, these memories will inflict pain on me everytime it crosses my mind. But then again, maybe it’ll serve as another purpose, to remind me that true love is real and that it hurts, in a good way. It is a privilege to have loved truly, madly and deeply.

If the memories in my mind could be made into a slow motion film, it will win the best cinematography awards because of the heartwarming/heart wrenching miniscule details which people don’t really notice unless they’re in love.