Facade versus Lie

Objectivity in life does not even exist at this point, perspectives are learning points, either painful or good, and the psychological aspects of humans are so fascinating, also at the same time a field where you could get lost in, dark, beautiful, broken, redemption – all in there.

Do you want to wear your psyche on your sleeve? Do you want to wear your heart on your sleeve as well?

It’s at the darkest you accept yourself and propel yourself forward with magnetism. A part of you is afraid that people around you cannot handle your truth, and might run away as a result ,and you’re afraid of never being able to be loved in return because of your intensity

I think I understand M.I.A. Sometimes I’m so envious of her because she has built herself to whom she is today. 40 years in making and she’s here, loud and clear.

Understanding that astrology is pseudo-science, but there’s always that part in me that wants and yearns for something larger to fix this chaotic mess that I have – only because I identify with my mind so much. But why do we?

Balance, physical and mental – Aries boy, you do that so well, how do you do that? You challenge me in various ways, you’re the twin, do you know? It’s the whole package you left with me, my brain and body understands Liebe now in its totality.


Creative Nonfiction

Ad, maybe i should forgive you and be able to let you lose from my blocked energies

World music through you, feeling it and it’s weird, Sag.

Repression transforming into expression

No point cutting or burning bridges sometimes because that just keeps the blocks in tact

Emotional resistance, who? Projecting, me or you?

You vs you, unconsciously I have become you

You here, how many parties?

Cheese vada pav, fusion of indian and burgers, the best, mango lassi. Kangaroo cliffs, thinking, wondering, feeling the energy that once resided there, all the past has to go and flow, talk, fear patterns no longer serving, same goes to you, loved one. Do you hear me?

Ich brauche dich, mochte dich, liebe dich


“Bon appetit. / !” they always say.

I used to love eating until recently. I’ve been having this problem with my digestive tract where I have to eat small meals frequently and no fatty/spicy foods or else I would start this disgusting bodily process which Daniel and I call, “the urching“. Or urchin like sea urchin, just kidding. Ever since, I never got to fully enjoy my dining experience without the consequences I would face.

I am a food lover and it would be impossible to keep me away from any good foods, but ever since this condition started, I’m starting to stay away from foods because I do not want to go through that feeling of a queasy and gassy stomach which has to be eliminated by puking. I call it “puking gas” because I’m not bulimic. I don’t puke my food out. It’s the gas from the food which I have to eliminate because of my indigestion. While I was in the States, I tried Peptobismol for my urching (cherry flavour with a nice pink colour which I would prefer as a lipstick) and it worked most of the time, but not 100%. Nothing really worked for me. That’s why I’ve been telling myself repetitively, “eating sucks, let’s just not eat and you could use some weight loss from that too”.

Yeah right, no eating. No, I can’t stay away from food. I have to eat and I love food. I love all sorts of food. Eating is a necessary bodily process in life (although technically I could survive on water, but I wouldn’t do that unless I were stranded nowhere without food but water). See, that’s the problem. Humans have to eat. Food comforts us too. How do you even stop eating? Food sells, food is everywhere.

As I’m typing this, I’m sitting at my desk and having my dinner. It’s my favourite Chinese dish, Kung Pao Chicken. I’m starting to feel the urching sensation in my abdomen. It won’t take long for me to do my usual routine again. It sucks and I am going to see a doctor this week. And thanks to the internet for all the scares that it could be a serious condition if not treated and may cause death. Maybe I should just anticipate the worst case scenario that I have an ulcer, or I have GERD or just anything traumatic to lessen the shock if I really am diagnosed with something life threatening.

I know it’s terrible but sometimes I just like thinking of the thought that I might be ill and that I would have to die sometime soon. That way, I wouldn’t have to face the pain of losing my loved ones. I know I’m selfish and there are a lot of people out there who wants to live but death has been a frequent visitor in my thoughts lately.

Okay, duty calls. I hate love HATE you, food.