On High Functioning Anxiety

Maybe everyone has a degree of high functioning anxiety in them, I noticed that I do this everytime when I have a fairly high degree of stress which then translates into anxiety. Coupled with music it becomes high functioning anxiety.

I never understood social anxiety either but now I feel it, it must’ve been something my brain tried to understand how I tried to cope all those years all thanks to the all seeing eye/portal of shrooms.

DMT later, and I am actually a little terrified, but I should not even think about it right now. I am currently finishing up this allowable cheat sheet and I can feel my hands becoming colder. I think I really love unnecessary adrenaline and that makes me high functioning.

Or “high” functioning (wink wink 😉



Running late, staring at the phone trying hard not to laugh at my mistakes, besetzt, C thinks I need a mirror in my room but only I know why not.

Mirrors, unnecessary narcissism, good to not be able to see my face, let other things mirror me to learn necessaries.

Sarah, visited her and the Americans, but Amerikaans – fusion of America and Afrikaans for balance. Weird people they are, I thought I was, but this is Alabama. Florida I can handle that, beach people.

The constant need for approval, illicit, explicit. Alright coming back to cold hands and cold feet, sweaty pits and sweaty palms, need a little Joao Gilberto.

Stoicsm makes me slightly tired,



Unconscious to Subconscious Awareness

The unconscious feeling of becoming you and the rest in this life, feelings of inadequacy still come up from time to time, but self-love works. I see the facade through which I was operating on another level at that time, wait, no. It wasn’t. It was just easier because positive mantra chanting meditation was easier, I wasn’t this intense, but stepping into North Node Scorpio is already here, 7th node in the astrology home, moon node, losing focus.

Eating chickpeas at this moment, staring at its texture, so much orange and yellow, warm colors on that spectrum, spices on that spectrum, giving warmth to cold Capricorn. Icy queen to passionate, 60s film Bajka experiment film still giving me a vibe of me in the future. Wishing I was 36 now, living 36/9. I’m at 22, master builder, keep going.

Hey 12. Aries.

Aries boy, you challenge me to be the best version of myself. Staying present, love you a lot. Got your Bonobo, reminded me of all the things that I’m going to accomplish in this life. Old friends, reminding me of midheaven Capricorn. Capricorn being really misunderstood, it’s necessary.

God help me.

Vince Guaraldi

A Charlie Brown Christmas.

How funny these times remind me of the year end, the autumn leaves and the autumn season which is supposed to start tomorrow, makes me feel oddly at peace yet nostalgic. Understanding my North Node was an important key component today. I’m all that red, black and burgundy jazz.

Red velvet cakes were on my mind today. I was feeling an abundance of self love today if I cannot manage to spend some time with my partner.

Vince Guaraldi, Astor Piazolla and most importantly Bola Sete have saved me today. I am trying to understand my emotions and motive for action at this moment. I feel full from the over abundance of good food I whipped up for myself.

My thoughts are not flowing, I feel I should watch something decadent for the senses. Goodnight.

Buddha Bar

this is the story of how the buddha bar came into existence:

One day, there was this man who acclaimed to be one of the buddha’s followers but still wanted a drink, an alcoholic drink. Now, buddha never said no to alcohol unlike Jainism counterparts, so this follower was thinking whether it (yes, it started calling itself “It” because It became asexual and also equated asexuality with no self – which by any terms did not make full sense,  but the premise still works nevertheless).

So he went to this drinking place full of rowdy cowboys and what the society would call – “low lives” (we’re talking about drug dealers, cartels, wipers etc.). It wanted to understand how could one merge both aspects – of the material world and the spiritual world. So It assessed its needs, gathered some invisible might (conjuring energies, one would call it). Lo and behold, It realized that there shall be a buddha bar.

And there it was, It took the place of the bartender, said to him :”I’m the innovator, and this buddha bar shall flourish,” in a sullen humor tone.

Where is the buddha aspect then? You’re curious, I’m curious too. It turned out that the buddha aspect was in the ambience itself – candles, buddha figurines. For some, it felt erotic but oddly conservative at the same time; for some, it felt like a luxury.


Well, that was some horse shisse.

Finding Rabih

i found rabih.

And then I remembered, Rabih almost sounds like Rabbi. Ah, back to the Jerusalem times, the Jewish times. I have always had a fond liking for the bar mitzvah, I do not understand why, but it is just something that is always at the back of my subconscious, and today it is being brought up.

That just reminded me of some few Coen brothers films I really liked that had Jewish themes in it, it was really odd and dark but I thank Daniel for the recommendation even though at that time, our tastes were very different. He would go for films which had a very Quentin Tarantino (vintage, f*** you, guns, hot girls, texas/sandy countrysides sort of vibe films). I guess he had also times where he liked the occasionally dark weird stuff.

I am definitely a liker of all things weird. When I mean weird, I mean twisted in a humorous way. Finding Rabih Abou Khalil on Youtube was the best discovery next to finding Gabor Szabo. Gabor Szabo makes me more collected due to the raga influence (india and meditation and new age), whilst Rabih reminded me of crazy nomad adventures in the desert and lots of belly dancing. This is so good.

Not sure whether I would be able to actually do work while listening to wonderful music like this. My room feels like a vacation home. Ambience is so important, but anyway screw that for now, I think I’m going to redownload some of the Coen Brother movies I really liked.