On High Functioning Anxiety

Maybe everyone has a degree of high functioning anxiety in them, I noticed that I do this everytime when I have a fairly high degree of stress which then translates into anxiety. Coupled with music it becomes high functioning anxiety.

I never understood social anxiety either but now I feel it, it must’ve been something my brain tried to understand how I tried to cope all those years all thanks to the all seeing eye/portal of shrooms.

DMT later, and I am actually a little terrified, but I should not even think about it right now. I am currently finishing up this allowable cheat sheet and I can feel my hands becoming colder. I think I really love unnecessary adrenaline and that makes me high functioning.

Or “high” functioning (wink wink 😉

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Facade versus Lie

Objectivity in life does not even exist at this point, perspectives are learning points, either painful or good, and the psychological aspects of humans are so fascinating, also at the same time a field where you could get lost in, dark, beautiful, broken, redemption – all in there.

Do you want to wear your psyche on your sleeve? Do you want to wear your heart on your sleeve as well?

It’s at the darkest you accept yourself and propel yourself forward with magnetism. A part of you is afraid that people around you cannot handle your truth, and might run away as a result ,and you’re afraid of never being able to be loved in return because of your intensity

I think I understand M.I.A. Sometimes I’m so envious of her because she has built herself to whom she is today. 40 years in making and she’s here, loud and clear.

Understanding that astrology is pseudo-science, but there’s always that part in me that wants and yearns for something larger to fix this chaotic mess that I have – only because I identify with my mind so much. But why do we?

Balance, physical and mental – Aries boy, you do that so well, how do you do that? You challenge me in various ways, you’re the twin, do you know? It’s the whole package you left with me, my brain and body understands Liebe now in its totality.

Whiplash

Traveling back in time, listening to Casey’s song the first time I ever watched Whiplash which soon became one of my favourite jazz movies – gut wrenching, heart wrenching, brows furrowed, sighing desolately.

I try to un-furrow my brows – disrupted – music goes on a loop again, this time it’s not so heavy, but it still lingers a little. Bittersweet, slow swaying movements.

I am dancing alone. Carpets with Persian patterns stretching across the floors in my non-existent New York apartment. Glass windows so wide, you could jump out of it anytime.

Living life on the edge, on an emotional edge, surviving every moment when strong emotions come to sweep you off. S do you know?

Trying to find solace somewhere else, they say finding it within you is your best bet, but the deeper I dig, the deeper I feel. I see the rose in full bloom, maybe the darkness does not have to kill her.

 

Vince Guaraldi

A Charlie Brown Christmas.

How funny these times remind me of the year end, the autumn leaves and the autumn season which is supposed to start tomorrow, makes me feel oddly at peace yet nostalgic. Understanding my North Node was an important key component today. I’m all that red, black and burgundy jazz.

Red velvet cakes were on my mind today. I was feeling an abundance of self love today if I cannot manage to spend some time with my partner.

Vince Guaraldi, Astor Piazolla and most importantly Bola Sete have saved me today. I am trying to understand my emotions and motive for action at this moment. I feel full from the over abundance of good food I whipped up for myself.

My thoughts are not flowing, I feel I should watch something decadent for the senses. Goodnight.

I Am Enough

“Whatever I’ve done to ever deserve you, it couldn’t have possibly been enough.”


I stumbled across this depressing comic strip which had the quote I highlighted above. I remember crying because that’s exactly how I feel about Daniel. I feel like I do not deserve his love, or that whatever I have done – wasn’t enough to prove to him that I loved him more than anything. I meditated on that thought and realized that it is a false core belief believing that I am not good enough, or that I haven’t done enough. That isn’t true though.

I realize that these core beliefs are from our Ego all the time. The Ego is constantly conjuring up these thoughts in our heads especially when its survival is being threatened. I’d like to see my Ego writhe into the ground one day, and I think I am going towards that path. More often, I find myself taking care of myself more, practicing self-love through actions or habits that make me at my Essence, whole.

I find that Hans Zimmer’s Time from Inception really helps lift my spirits in a calm way, not in a way where it indulges in exorbitant amounts of feel-good harmonics (which does nothing but inflate our Ego). I’ve noticed that happen whenever I listen to intense soundtracks e/g: Batman/The Dark Knight. I mean they’re really good stuff, but usually when I listen to music similar to that – my thoughts are always Ego based: I’m badass, I’m invincible, I’m cool, I’m powerful etc. which is why I have stopped listening to music which gets really intense.

I get it now why people are always so attracted to music that makes them feel grandiose for their core belief of ‘I am not enough, I am not good enough’ is prevalent in their lives. Now that I have seen past that veil, I feel like I do not need intense music to make me feel good. I am attracted to music with light and simple textures for it creates a chaos free, clutter free mind.

Remember, you and I are enough. Don’t let the Ego fool you.