Facade versus Lie

Objectivity in life does not even exist at this point, perspectives are learning points, either painful or good, and the psychological aspects of humans are so fascinating, also at the same time a field where you could get lost in, dark, beautiful, broken, redemption – all in there.

Do you want to wear your psyche on your sleeve? Do you want to wear your heart on your sleeve as well?

It’s at the darkest you accept yourself and propel yourself forward with magnetism. A part of you is afraid that people around you cannot handle your truth, and might run away as a result ,and you’re afraid of never being able to be loved in return because of your intensity

I think I understand M.I.A. Sometimes I’m so envious of her because she has built herself to whom she is today. 40 years in making and she’s here, loud and clear.

Understanding that astrology is pseudo-science, but there’s always that part in me that wants and yearns for something larger to fix this chaotic mess that I have – only because I identify with my mind so much. But why do we?

Balance, physical and mental – Aries boy, you do that so well, how do you do that? You challenge me in various ways, you’re the twin, do you know? It’s the whole package you left with me, my brain and body understands Liebe now in its totality.


Traveling back in time, listening to Casey’s song the first time I ever watched Whiplash which soon became one of my favourite jazz movies – gut wrenching, heart wrenching, brows furrowed, sighing desolately.

I try to un-furrow my brows – disrupted – music goes on a loop again, this time it’s not so heavy, but it still lingers a little. Bittersweet, slow swaying movements.

I am dancing alone. Carpets with Persian patterns stretching across the floors in my non-existent New York apartment. Glass windows so wide, you could jump out of it anytime.

Living life on the edge, on an emotional edge, surviving every moment when strong emotions come to sweep you off. S do you know?

Trying to find solace somewhere else, they say finding it within you is your best bet, but the deeper I dig, the deeper I feel. I see the rose in full bloom, maybe the darkness does not have to kill her.


Vince Guaraldi

A Charlie Brown Christmas.

How funny these times remind me of the year end, the autumn leaves and the autumn season which is supposed to start tomorrow, makes me feel oddly at peace yet nostalgic. Understanding my North Node was an important key component today. I’m all that red, black and burgundy jazz.

Red velvet cakes were on my mind today. I was feeling an abundance of self love today if I cannot manage to spend some time with my partner.

Vince Guaraldi, Astor Piazolla and most importantly Bola Sete have saved me today. I am trying to understand my emotions and motive for action at this moment. I feel full from the over abundance of good food I whipped up for myself.

My thoughts are not flowing, I feel I should watch something decadent for the senses. Goodnight.

I Am Enough

“Whatever I’ve done to ever deserve you, it couldn’t have possibly been enough.”

I stumbled across this depressing comic strip which had the quote I highlighted above. I remember crying because that’s exactly how I feel about Daniel. I feel like I do not deserve his love, or that whatever I have done – wasn’t enough to prove to him that I loved him more than anything. I meditated on that thought and realized that it is a false core belief believing that I am not good enough, or that I haven’t done enough. That isn’t true though.

I realize that these core beliefs are from our Ego all the time. The Ego is constantly conjuring up these thoughts in our heads especially when its survival is being threatened. I’d like to see my Ego writhe into the ground one day, and I think I am going towards that path. More often, I find myself taking care of myself more, practicing self-love through actions or habits that make me at my Essence, whole.

I find that Hans Zimmer’s Time from Inception really helps lift my spirits in a calm way, not in a way where it indulges in exorbitant amounts of feel-good harmonics (which does nothing but inflate our Ego). I’ve noticed that happen whenever I listen to intense soundtracks e/g: Batman/The Dark Knight. I mean they’re really good stuff, but usually when I listen to music similar to that – my thoughts are always Ego based: I’m badass, I’m invincible, I’m cool, I’m powerful etc. which is why I have stopped listening to music which gets really intense.

I get it now why people are always so attracted to music that makes them feel grandiose for their core belief of ‘I am not enough, I am not good enough’ is prevalent in their lives. Now that I have seen past that veil, I feel like I do not need intense music to make me feel good. I am attracted to music with light and simple textures for it creates a chaos free, clutter free mind.

Remember, you and I are enough. Don’t let the Ego fool you.


“Psychonauts – psychedelic nutters.”

Nutters doesn’t really have a bad meaning to me. To me, it just talks volumes about how someone is immensely interested in a topic to a point where people around them call them nutters. Society always has a knack in trying to convince people that the majority is right, hence assigning labels to everyone, and anyone who doesn’t fall under any stereotype is definitely given a “negative” label e/g: crazy, nuts, weird

Okay, I didn’t want to talk about definitions today. I just wanted to express my gratitude for this wonderful subreddit Psychonaut. It has been one of the new places I’ve been hanging out on to find like minded people. It has been a humbling experience, and a nurturing one where we pick up things from each other. I noticed that whenever a group of people tries to come together to discuss topics that touch on metaphysics or any branch under it, certain people can be very preachy in a sense where they believe that what they believe is the ultimate truth. However, this subreddit is different. Everyone just keeps their opinions to themselves and leave constructive comments, and definitely honouring and respecting each individual’s path.

I’m listening to one of the suggestions from my fellow psychonauts. It’s YOB’s Marrow. “When there’s no ground to feel, to endure, rise in the heart.” That’s really powerful. It reminds me to keep my head high no matter whatever happens. The following line goes like this: “Time will crawl to the sea, time will fall inside the dream.” To me it seems as if the lyrics are trying to convey that during hard times, we have to hold on and be patient. Eventually in the end we will realize that time is just a construct of the mind, and everything that has happened before or happened right now will all not matter. Time will fail to mean anything.

I’m just going to enjoy being a psychonaut, and I’ll enjoy the music ride as well.


“Oh how similar we’ve become,” she said to herself while contemplating life.

Oh Daniel, how similar we’ve become. You used to say that about yourself and your dad, and now how the tables have turned – I’m saying this right now finally realizing that I’m growing to become more and more like you with each day that passes.

I’m listening to Pink Floyd’s The Wall album right now, and I have a very bad ability in discerning lyrics while doing something else. I have to be not doing anything else so that I can focus. This is why when I want to understand an album or masterpiece fully, I have to go through the lyrics and then understand them, then lastly listen to the music. I appreciate the music more that way, but you did it the other way.

We are still very opposites in terms of personality but when it comes to our core beliefs about everything about us, I’m finally reaching your level of thinking. That one night, I laid in bed, I couldn’t sleep so I fished out the lyrics of Pink’s album The Wall. I started understanding the meaning in between the words. I couldn’t fathom why didn’t I understood those words earlier when you asked me what I thought of them. I guess I was too young, too raw, too naive. Watching you suffer firsthand did make me grow more.

I hate the fact that traumatic events will always be the most important catalyst in one’s spiritual growth and understanding of the world.

“All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.”

I start to wonder whether people around me are just bricks in the wall, trying to get in, but the harder they try, the more they get stuck, and they become just bricks in the wall. How many friends have I lost? How many friends have I pushed away? How many of you are stuck in the wall? Oh Daniel, I’ve seen you build the wall around yourself. It often made me wonder whether I was one of the bricks in the wall too. Maybe I was, but if I’m right, you might’ve cracked the wall open a bit to let me in as I watched the wall crumble down when everything around you was just going downhill.

Who knows, maybe that’s just something I’ve made up to make myself feel better. I will never know the answer. I will only know the answer when I leave this 3 dimensional world and meet you in 5D babe.

“We don’t need no education. No dark sarcasm in the classroom. Teachers leave them kids alone. HEY TEACHER! LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE! All in all you’re just another brick in the wall.”

I like the double negatives creating a positive statement. I used to be very bad at understanding statements with double negative statements, but now I think why it exists. It is to create more effect and impact on the listener or reader. WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION – meaning: hell yes, we definitely need PROPER education, not “education” education. Okay, I’m rambling now.

Maybe I should watch the Pink Floyd movie The Wall.