On High Functioning Anxiety

Maybe everyone has a degree of high functioning anxiety in them, I noticed that I do this everytime when I have a fairly high degree of stress which then translates into anxiety. Coupled with music it becomes high functioning anxiety.

I never understood social anxiety either but now I feel it, it must’ve been something my brain tried to understand how I tried to cope all those years all thanks to the all seeing eye/portal of shrooms.

DMT later, and I am actually a little terrified, but I should not even think about it right now. I am currently finishing up this allowable cheat sheet and I can feel my hands becoming colder. I think I really love unnecessary adrenaline and that makes me high functioning.

Or “high” functioning (wink wink 😉

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Unconscious to Subconscious Awareness

The unconscious feeling of becoming you and the rest in this life, feelings of inadequacy still come up from time to time, but self-love works. I see the facade through which I was operating on another level at that time, wait, no. It wasn’t. It was just easier because positive mantra chanting meditation was easier, I wasn’t this intense, but stepping into North Node Scorpio is already here, 7th node in the astrology home, moon node, losing focus.

Eating chickpeas at this moment, staring at its texture, so much orange and yellow, warm colors on that spectrum, spices on that spectrum, giving warmth to cold Capricorn. Icy queen to passionate, 60s film Bajka experiment film still giving me a vibe of me in the future. Wishing I was 36 now, living 36/9. I’m at 22, master builder, keep going.

Hey 12. Aries.

Aries boy, you challenge me to be the best version of myself. Staying present, love you a lot. Got your Bonobo, reminded me of all the things that I’m going to accomplish in this life. Old friends, reminding me of midheaven Capricorn. Capricorn being really misunderstood, it’s necessary.

God help me.

The OA

You, you come back to me in different ways. Subtle ways that I could have never even imagined.

It’s true, you’re always going to be a part of me, one that no matter how hard I try to erase because of the hurt, will always stay with me.

Looking at it from a different set of eyes, it’s a gift, but that comes with a cost. It is a fair trade, I guess.

I remember you used to listen to the sound of Saturn, and today The OA has piqued my interest, and I am listening to it with noise cancelling headphones like you always do.

If it really is where the soul travels to after death, it is no wonder, no surprise as to why I am in such peace.

Rise

“For from ashes, you will rise again to the depths of your soul and to the heights of your Highest Self.”


How long has it been since I last conveyed my thoughts properly on this blogamedia? How many times have I fallen and tried to get up again to learn things again and again? Last year was full of endings and all I can say is that I do not know whether I was on the right track or not, but surely there has to be some good that has come out from those last 6 months of the Universal 9 year.

 

Here I am, comparing the state of my mind to that time in my life, I guess there’s always a time where I will rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall. Today I just flew into Australia after approximately a month of hols in the Philippines and boy that really did make me realize so many things – family is life. That’s all I can say. Friends will always be friends. Soul friends are different things, and I can safely say that I do have some soul friends whom I deeply cherish for their love and support.

 

I feel my Aquarian energy bursting through this year and there has been so many delays every now and then, only to teach me how to be more patient and not-so-impulsive when it comes to things that I THINK align with me – that has been the most err-able thought I’ve ever had. Things do not align with you, your feelings, your intuition, your vibe about that particular being/something/thing is not something you have chosen, or vice versa. It happens simultaneously where it chooses you and you choose it through you and it EXISTING.

 

Jupiter in Saggitarrius means having luck in travel, foreigners, publishing and education and so far I can testify that’s true, which is why I am moving back into my power of publishing. Publishing thoughts, opinions, and slowly move towards the core where I can expand my personal power through these writings, and hopefully one day — move the person who’s reading it right now.

 

I can’t say I love you, because I haven’t learned how to fully love myself yet. Till then, I’ll love myself first so I have more to give.

No Goodbyes

“There are no goodbyes between lovers. It’s just a temporary one, like a short ‘bye’.


Daniel has passed on. He went on December 6th, 1.30am although the nurse came a tad bit late, and pronounced his passing at 2.15am. I was truly broken when he passed, and all these months being here in the United States has brought us closer, mostly mentally closer. I got to see his suffering firsthand, I got to see him writhe in pain in the hospital, I changed my sleeping patterns just to be able to be around him (mainly because I was afraid that he would go while I’m asleep). It’s day 2 and surprisingly I am holding up well, but Bonnie the social worker said that pain and grief comes in waves, so I’m pretty sure there will be one day where something will trigger my grief button, and there I’ll go, crashing down and breaking down.

I am listening to Daniel’s favourite soundtrack from the movie “Interstellar” right now, and it has become one of my favourites too since we watched the beautiful movie together, and the 2nd time with his mom, Pat. I remember Daniel tearing up the 2nd time watching it. We were in the living room, the scene which came on was where Cooper’s daughter was telling him to STAY. Maybe that reminded him of me, constantly telling him to S.T.A.Y. He squeezed my hand, and looked meaningfully at me. I didn’t want to cry because he was so vulnerable at that moment, and with the full effects of beautiful cinematography, blaring loud but beautiful and haunting soundtrack, I was really fighting hard for my tears to stop falling. I can recall the moment clearly right now as this soundtrack is blaring through Daniel’s quality earbuds. I feel so connected to him through this soundtrack. It feels so powerful, so right, so comforting. It almost feels like he’s on the other side listening to this masterpiece too.

I remember writing a short essay on my perspective of death and the conservation of energy. It had something to do with Interstellar and our favourite quotes. He loved it so much that he posted it on his blog: http://www.supernovablackhole.wordpress.com. I knew we were meant for each other even though we had vast differences. It came to a point where he told me -“maybe we’re not even compatible, because just look at how different we both are. Yet I don’t understand why are we still together.” Part of it could have been his depression that was talking, part of it could have been the dreadful long distance relationship we were in (mind you, we were 16 hours apart, every single day, and coordinating schedules to Skype wasn’t really successful but we managed anyway with either one of us compromising our sleeping time). Some days were really tough, but our love pulled our relationship together. To answer one of my old blogposts whether opposites stay long together? Yes. Daniel and I are living proof. If it weren’t for the can-fucking-cer, we would have made a brilliant couple who squabbles over petty matters because of our differences but in a tough love sort of way and would still have passionate love making sessions after. Isn’t that what a good, genuine relationship is about? Having differences but still being able to live and love each other?

Cancer is a bitch. If the conspiracy about medical industries hiding the treatment for cancer so that they can make money is true, I’m done here. There are so many materials to read out there, so many different conflicting ideas, and there is no way to find the absolute truth. Our society is so screwed. They always assume things that are popular are most likely to be right, and shy away from new methods that do not have sufficient statistics to have credibility. Honestly, what is credibility nowadays? Statistics? Statistics can be very easily manipulated. Everything can be very easily manipulated nowadays. I do not even know what is genuine anymore at this point, except for love.

I will repeat again:

Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends time and space. – Interstellar, Dr. Brand . Love is genuine, love is powerful, love is the only thing that transcends time. There is no past, present or future in love. Love just exists, it is not bounded to anything. Love cannot be measured because it belongs to a higher dimension, one which human minds cannot yet perceive, or will never perceive. Love has no goodbyes, it has no beginning and no end. Love will only cease to exist if the universe ends. That’s how powerful love is. This undying, fervent love we had is still here, alive and breathing even though Daniel is in a different dimension now. Only love can prove that something existed. Everything good comes from love. Our love is undying, and it will still go on even if I ended up dead one day. When we’re dead, we’re not truly dead. Our energies and our atoms are still present and will always be, since atoms can never be divided. The universe isn’t very likely to end yet, so I am pretty darn sure that our love will last for almost an eternity.

Wait for me at the black horizon baby. I’m coming for you.

Toujours

“So listen to me when I say love isn’t something that we invented. It’s observable. Powerful. It has to mean something. Maybe it means something more – something we can’t yet understand. Maybe it’s some evidence, some artifact of a higher dimension that we can’t consciously perceive. I’m drawn across the universe to someone I haven’t seen in a decade who I know is probably dead. Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can’t understand it.” – Amelia Brand, Interstellar (2014).


This is something I’ve written to Daniel in the past and till today I still feel the words coming from the bottom of my heart. I’m too sensitive. I feel everything too deeply.

“Maybe, maybe when you’re gone, your particles will float into space, or perhaps it floats to a higher dimension that we can’t consciously perceive. Maybe, maybe, that’s our afterlife. However that will cease to be a real afterlife because we do not exist. Only particles of us exist.

I read that our atoms can never be destroyed according to quantum mechanics. As long as our particles are complete, we can be reformed from that and perhaps be human once again, that’s if our particles are not mixed up with other atoms to form other matters.

If that happens, you will exist again except that we will be really apart this time. We would perhaps be many light years away, or you might have winded up in another universe through a black hole. You would be in a different dimension.

And this is where what Brand says comes in: we love people who have died. On earth you’re dead, but perhaps if it were possible and you were reformed again in another dimension, that would explain why I still feel your presence like you’re somehow out there, existing. Maybe two people who truly love each other will only have this connection. True love lives on. I would never stop loving you. Brand is right. Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time (perhaps in light years) and space (the spaces between us).

With of all of these being said, it’s not impossible to love a person forever. I will eventually die one day and perhaps I will undergo the same thing that happened to you. I’ll exist somewhere out there in the vast universe. I do not know whether we would still be the same, being capable of feeling emotion or perceiving things. But if we do, and if the theory that atoms can never be destroyed holds, our love is infinite, our love is forever.

This is how I know I will love you, forever, Daniel.

I knew forever was staying in my dictionary the moment I met him. It kills me to know that he wouldn’t be in my future. I will die be okay WON’T BE OKAY.