Amerikaans

Running late, staring at the phone trying hard not to laugh at my mistakes, besetzt, C thinks I need a mirror in my room but only I know why not.

Mirrors, unnecessary narcissism, good to not be able to see my face, let other things mirror me to learn necessaries.

Sarah, visited her and the Americans, but Amerikaans – fusion of America and Afrikaans for balance. Weird people they are, I thought I was, but this is Alabama. Florida I can handle that, beach people.

The constant need for approval, illicit, explicit. Alright coming back to cold hands and cold feet, sweaty pits and sweaty palms, need a little Joao Gilberto.

Stoicsm makes me slightly tired,

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Unconscious to Subconscious Awareness

The unconscious feeling of becoming you and the rest in this life, feelings of inadequacy still come up from time to time, but self-love works. I see the facade through which I was operating on another level at that time, wait, no. It wasn’t. It was just easier because positive mantra chanting meditation was easier, I wasn’t this intense, but stepping into North Node Scorpio is already here, 7th node in the astrology home, moon node, losing focus.

Eating chickpeas at this moment, staring at its texture, so much orange and yellow, warm colors on that spectrum, spices on that spectrum, giving warmth to cold Capricorn. Icy queen to passionate, 60s film Bajka experiment film still giving me a vibe of me in the future. Wishing I was 36 now, living 36/9. I’m at 22, master builder, keep going.

Hey 12. Aries.

Aries boy, you challenge me to be the best version of myself. Staying present, love you a lot. Got your Bonobo, reminded me of all the things that I’m going to accomplish in this life. Old friends, reminding me of midheaven Capricorn. Capricorn being really misunderstood, it’s necessary.

God help me.

Feeling

Do you know why you go into deep bouts of depression? Yeah, you. All of us, or maybe some of us who try to ponder life’s meaning too much. Elitism. That’s what makes you depressed, no one ever asked you to find out the meaning of life and beyond, but because you think you’re so brilliant (the Ego), you start to question question and question. You get into songwriting, drawing, acting to act your deepest emotions because you cannot express it without feeling contrived, because people have seen you and that mask you’ve worn for a 1000 years, unchanged. To change creates fear, and that makes your heart pound. But there’s a part in you, that asks – what if I actually ran for it this time and stop making myself wait, rather than coming back a 1000 million, trillion, gazillion times to finally learn this, and step out of your comfort zone?

Ya. Olafur Arnalds is deep, not me. I am just a channel to channel thoughts. Beautiful.

Effort.